Chapter 39: Very bad lately

This is not really a rant, but more of a more personal post that I need to spill.
Things has been going smoother than the last few months lately, untill a few days ago when my sister kinda triggered me to kind of just break down. It's because of a small thing, but its actually very fustrating and sickening to hear and experience very often.

Thing is, my sister is very SPOILT. She basically whines and pesters my mother to get her what she wants, if not, her standard sentence comes out: "I'll pay for it myself, just take the money out from my bank!". And it makes everybody so fustrated because she doesn't get the fact that its meant for her education, no matter how much I explain to her, she's like oh nevermind theres still a long way to go.. So she got her way and got a new iPhone. Thing is, my bum of a father is not paying any bills. That means my mother's paying for everything, including his fucking huge phone bill and car loan, basically everything. So, more bills are being added into the things my mom's gonna pay for, this time, its double my sister's previous monthly phone bill.
Actually, this is still fine. I broke down because my sister and mother fought on the phone over dinner, which I am supposed to cook, so my sis called my mom to ask her if she wants her portion cooked or not. Well, don't know what happened but they sort of argued, so I asked my sis if mom wants anything, she said she doesn't know. Thats when I started to get a little bit pissed, then I asked her if she wants any, she told me don't know too!!! Thats when I actually got mad and told her if she doesn't know, how the hell am I going to cook anything? And she is also coming to me crying and whining that she's hungry and hasn't eaten since lunch at all. Feeling pissed already, I told her to cook some instant noodles, lol. But she went, "There isn't any curry one left! THAT MEANS I CANNOT EAT, BECAUSE NO CURRY FLAVOURED ONE!!". Told her to get the other one, she said no, she HAS to have the curry one or it means that she CAN'T eat. Irritating as fuck isn't it? Don't you feel like slapping her a gazillion times? So I was really at my boiling point and just scolded her and told her if she doesn't eat she can just rot and die of hunger in her room. I was at the wrong for a bit, but really, who wouldn't get angry if they ALWAYS have to deal with this kind of shit? So I just went into my room and broke down together with the stress of other things. Wasn't done crying but had to try to make the redness in my face gone because my father happened to come back home. Its kinda like, nobody has seen me cry this year, I try not to let anyone see.


But I accidentally cried infront of my mother because I couldn't control it yesterday.

And my father is back to his old ways again.. He is the worst.. Since it doesn't seem like he's learnt anything from his mistakes.. And he asked for money from my mother again, this time its the money she's gonna use to pay for the bills because she has no more to give him. It is because of him and his pride that everybody is in this state. He is not a bad father, but I am very very very angry with him. Mom told me this morning. I really do not want to live in fear everyday again and I am sick of it. I really would prefer living separately and not know him but I cannot hate him. This is not all but this is all I can reveal.

It is very difficult to act like everything is normal, because the tears are very difficult to hold back. It has been affecting me a lot recently, it has never been this bad before. Had to run to the toilet halfway today, if not I would have started crying in class. Have been staying back till quite late at school lately because I don't feel like going home at all, if not, I don't want to go out either.


I envy others.