Chapter 34: Life as usual and some study related things

Hi~ School has just reopened, and life is boring as usual.. Sigh, I worry more and more about my N levels, well I could pass with a breeze actually, but the only things holding me down are my maths and Chinese, maybe my SS. I do quite average for SS, my Chinese is just.... Terribad so I've given up all hope on it lol. Maths, I've been failing all the way from primary school, honestly speaking and its not getting any better although my marks improved quite a bit but it's either borderline passes or fails. Which is what that worries me the most. Have stayed back for 1 to 1 tutoring with my maths teacher but I still failed my Prelim 1 anyway.. My future is bleak, really... If only I passed my maths, it's the subject that actually weighs on me most, even though my Chinese is worse but it can't be saved, lol really, so I'm focusing on the other subjects because I know I can do well for those if I study. Coz it happened.

But it's fucking depressing. I don't want to retain sec 4 because of maths. I do not want to study with people a year younger. Im not sayin it is bad, but my pride just doesnt allow it. I often think, my friends who failed maths before managed to pass now and so why not me? They are still do carefree and yet pass, but me, study and practice and personal tutoring - I still failed. Makes me feel like I'm actually stupid beyond words. It's so stressful and it's not even comparable to O levels. I don't actually have the right to be stressed because the syllabus is changing and those younger than me are having it tougher but honestly, I'm not cut out for maths and I never will be. I hate the fact that we do not have literature, im saying so because my strong point is English and Science. It is quite selfish of me, I know. I will never be able to face the shame of being ridiculed and look down upon by my relatives and neither do I want them to look down on my parents. Then f course my parents colleagues will ask her about me, I don't want her to say that I retained and get laughed at as her colleagues compares me with their kids.

All I want to do is work in the creative or the showbiz industry. Fashion designer, hairstylist, model, whatever. I was thinking, I want to transfer out of the country if I ever have to retain. So I better NOT and start working doubly hard. I wonder if anybody in the same plight is reading this now?

Anyway, this is my favorite photo from the seifuku shoot. Shall blog about it in a separate post soon!